Hey, It's Summer...Time For Reruns!

A little jaunt down memory lane...these were entries on my own blog site, Mahmmas In Their Jammas: Jenn and FiFi's House On Pooh Corner, which I'll shamefully plug and say, "VISIT IT BEATCHES!"

It's a take on Wedding Reality Shows. For those of you who know me, you'll know my philosophy that reality TV is the Devil's programming. So sit back, relax, enjoy, and if you live near AMY THOMPSON, throw and egg at her house for me. :D :

January 15, 2005
AMY THOMPSON, BRIDAL BITCH UNVEILED:
So, LJ is down due to a massive power failure. I feel like I've been cut off from my friends!

John and I have been thinking seriously about finally setting a date. We're right now thinking April of 2006, but, like Wrestlemania, please note that the card is subject to change. (It probably won't though...:D)

I realize I gush about my wedding a lot. Oh no. I've become...ONE OF THEM!!!!
I tried not to let it happen! Cynicism fading...oh no, sappiness setting in!!!


Aaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhh!


I tuned into Oxygen Channel's Real Wedding From The Knot (yeah, you can guess where this is going) and watched two and 1/3 episodes before the nausea set in. The first one was a bit sappy, it was about Jen and Jeff, she cried a lot, and he was on Fear Factor, but other than that it was a pretty much cookie cutter wedding. The third episode I didn't even finish watching the opening credits, but it featured a blonde bride who gleefully squealed "Let's get wasted!" while slugging down a mimosa in the hair salon seat as she was getting her hair done. Her maid of honor expressed concern that stolen golf carts and body shots would be the highlights of the reception. She described the bride as "the craziest woman I've ever met."

The second episode featured a bride who stupidly gave out her full name. Her name is AMY THOMPSON. Again, her name was AMY THOMPSON. Remember that name when you have spam to forward. The reason why I don't like AMY THOMPSON is because she was an absolute uber-beatch bridezilla. Some of the features in the episode:
1) Storming out on the priest because he wouldn't allow the couple to read the vows they wrote vs. the actual sacrament of marriage. Seriously, you simply don't go there with the Catholic Church- it's all written out for ya. One stop shopping. No variations. AMY THOMPSON then was shown sitting outside crying stating "I've always wanted my wedding at the Catholic Church." I have a feeling AMY THOMPSON doesn't really go to church, because even Bridget, my 7 year-old cousin, knows the order of worship at a Catholic Nuptual Mass.

2) Cussing at her mother, calling her an "idiot," because the flip-flops in the guest's gift basket were supposed to have little flowers sewn on them, but since AMY THOMPSON procrastinated, they weren't. "It's MY Wedding" she screeched, "all I ask of YOU PEOPLE (her parents and bridesmaids) is to just do it MY WAY!" No one reminded AMY THOMPSON that it was she, not them, who was to blame because they were fixing things at the last minute.

3) Held up the wedding ceremony for 45 minutes because she hated her bouquet. She then called the wedding coordinator and cussed at her, because her flowers were not roses, and her mother's bouquet was not made of gardenias. I would have loved to have been at that wedding, gone up to AMY THOMPSON in the receiving line and told her "you know, everything was really nice, but those flowers, sheeesh! It basically just ruined your wedding, honestly, a pigeon coulda crapped on your dress, and it wouldn't hold a candle to those flowers!" and watched her beautifully coiffed veiled head explode.

4) When her father pointed out to her that she was running late, she screamed at him that he was unsympathetic and unsupportive, then told him she could walk down the aisle by herself.

5) Then after all that, had the audacity to ask her mother for a kiss before the walk down the aisle (she did walk with her dad).

4) Barked at her father and mother not to move during pictures until she told them to.

5) The only time she talked to her fiancee, Mark, during the show was when she was reading the wedding vows to him. The fiancee was never really interviewed, came off looking like a total puss, and prompted me to scream during the ceremony scene "Don't do it Mark! You can get out of this. Just run, run, run!"

6) Her wedding reception included an upstate NY mansion and a fireworks display.

7) Excused her bad behavior by saying "for anyone whose feelings I've hurt during this, I'm so sorry, but a bride's gotta do what a bride's gotta do."

Oh. My. God.

Okay, these shows are edited, and chances are, AMY THOMPSON is probably a really nice person who just was overzealous about her big day being perfect. Chances are, her guests would not notice most of the little snafus that took place, because no one really notices those types of things. Anyway, what concerned me was that I never once saw AMY THOMPSON really happy, or smiling. Sure, she teared up when she read her vows to poor Mark, but she was never shown interacting with him at all, never turning to him for support. In fact, he was the only one she didn't yell at. It makes me wonder if AMY THOMPSON just didn't care about him at all, the only reason she was hanging out with him was because he was attached to a ring. I seriously doubt this marriage will last, given what I've seen.

So, in light of that:

To my Beloved Groom: John, I love you more than I love my Sex and The City DVDs. And I know that planning a wedding can be stressful and frustrating. Should I act in the way AMY THOMPSON did on her wedding, you have my permission to take me by my shoulders, look deep into my eyes and bellow," Hon, don't be That Knot bride. Don't be that Knot Bride!"

To FiFi: Mommy loves you very much. Please pee on things and make me laugh when Mommy starts acting like AMY THOMPSON.

To Marian, Angela, Kelly B., Kelly C., Bridget, Karen, Kristen and Shannon: My beautiful Honor Attendants. I love you guys so much. Please, if I act like AMY THOMPSON, you have my permission to beat me up in the parking lot after the ceremony, and/or not tell me if there's a stain on the butt of my dress right before I'm supposed to walk down the aisle.

To my parents: Mommy and Daddy, you both are the best. Slap the shite out of me if I ever act like AMY THOMPSON. Mom, any help is really appreciated. Dad, I never want to walk alone if I have the chance to walk with you. I love you both.

To AMY THOMPSON (If you're reading this): Please don't send me any hate mail, because, AMY THOMPSON, you did me a favor. You really helped me put things in perspective. I will not be worrying about flip-flops and gardenias at my wedding, because I really don't want to be like you. As I said, I'm only commenting on what I saw, and I didn't really like it. Prozac is a wonderful drug, AMY THOMPSON, you might want to consider it. If the editing was biased, which I am willing to believe that it was, you should consider suing The Knot. They made you look like a big greedy bitch. Good luck in your marriage, and be nicer to Mark than you are to your parents. Because AMY THOMPSON, unlike your parents, he can divorce you.

In the meantime, I'm stayin' away from The Knot. I like Indiebride a lot better. Instead of saying it's okay to be AMY THOMPSON, they advocate that it's okay to make fun of her. And a bride's gotta have some stress relief, nes pais??

January 16, 2005
BRIDEZILLAS UNITE!
Although I can't agree with Amy Thompson's really really bitchy attitude, I can now say I can see where she's coming from. So, I think I owe Amy Thompson and those like her some sympathy.

This isn't due to any emails or comments received. This is about the fact that "Real Weddings" from the Knot was the first wedding show I've watched since I got engaged to John. I've always been skeptical about the wedding industry, but today, I checked out BRIDEZILLAS on the Women's Network, and, Amy, girlfriend, we Brides have to stick together. Bridezillas aren't the enemy- the wedding industry is!

BRIDEZILLAS opens up defining a Bridezilla as a "usually calm individual who, inspired by a wedding, becomes an out-of-control freak." Oh boy, more girls like AMY!!! Bring it on.

This episode focuses on the wedding planners, who, according to the narrator, "can sometimes out-zilla the bridezillas." This follows the planning/weddings of three brides: Brooke, Amy (a different Amy), and Miho, and their wedding planners.

Brooke is marrying a man who looks older than her dad, but more power to her, because they actually look happy. I wonder what Brooke's beef is- she certainly looks docile enough. Her wedding will cost a 1/4 of a million dollars and will take place on an island. Okay, we definately have reason to hate Brooke now. But as the story goes on, Brooke becomes a figure in the background. The only thing that Brooke protested was the fact that her cake icing was not what she had chosen (the thing was orange. Damn ugly. So, no hating on Brooke just yet.) Then Brooke gets married. Brooke looks happy. Brooke's not really being interviewed at all in this piece, it's all about Kate and her vision of the wedding. Brooke's wedding. Let me say it again: Kate's vision of Brooke's wedding. Yes, Brooke is the star, but it is Kate who produces, writes and directs this production. Who's wedding is it really? Who really has the power here? And is Brooke really a Bridezilla? She didn't scream, screech, or cuss anyone out. No talons here. Whaa?

Different Amy is being assisted by her mom and her planner, whose name I can't remember. This episode they pick out table settings. The first table setting has blue settings. Different Amy sees it and cries. Different Amy's twin sister sees it and cries, and Different Amy's mom sees it and cries. Obviously a hit, right? Call off the dogs, the hunt is over? Snaps to the girls for finding something they absolutely adore? Nope. The table designer then makes Different Amy and Co. go into another room so that they can spend time setting up another table setting. The designer pronounces it as fabulous, beautiful. Obviously he likes it very much. But Different Amy still likes the blue. The table designer encourages her to look in the mirrored settings, which give the table "a special glow" But Different Amy, very politely states her preference and sticks to it. Again, no cussing nor demands, nor attitude.

(Keep in mind also that each time they cut to a commercial, a black screen comes up and a pink BRIDEZILLAS logo is "stamped onto the screen, with the accompanying sound of bars closing on a jail. Watch out Tokyo!)

Miho and John are a couple who are planning a wedding at Tavern on The Green. I like John and Miho immediately, and wonder why Miho's been deemed a Bridezilla- she certainly seems very pleasant. The first scene is Miho's wedding planner (again, I forgot the name) describing Miho to the DJ, DJ John. "She's a very nice bride. She knows what she wants and what she doesn't want, so this wedding will have a certain dynamic to it." (Okay, how is this different from any other weddding?) Then, W.P. and DJ JOhn meet with the bride and the groom. The narrator explains that, the wedding planner helps train the bride and the groom like one would train pets and kids. (No, I'm not kidding. This was actually said in a broadcast, on cable, in 2005.) So, John bounces his ideas off of the two "professionals." He'd like a small girl to come, ring a bell, and announce dinner is served. Also, he'd like to have the guests eat before he and Miho have their first dance. Cut to DJ John in another room, who pronounces that he is very offended by the idea of a dinner bell- "this is Tavern On The Green, not some chuck wagon!" Yeah, it is a bit tacky, but the wedding planners and other vendors are supposed to, according to most bridal mags "gently and tactfully guide the bride and the groom in the right direction for taste and elegance," not scoff at the suggestions. Although I do think John has a good point about the first dance thing. I certainly wouldn't want my guests drooling, blood sugars plummeting, forbidden to chow down until I had finished shimmying to "Crocodile Rock." Oh no, sayeth the wedding gurus- "you don't know the significance of the first dance!" DJ John practically snaps to Groom John. The W.P. also interjects- "the first dance makes the party. Without it, the party never starts." At this point, I expect WWE star The Rock to come out and do his trademark line "IT DOESN"T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!" in the poor groom's face. Again, neither bride nor groom grows angry nor becomes inappropriate despite being scoffed at.

Okay. These are the lessons learned by moi watching Bridezillas:
1) Shows like Bridezillas and Real Weddings From The Knot, as well as most every other big bad bridal mags on the planet are looped into a group that Indiebride calls, "Wedding Porn." It's sick, slick, delectible, sinful, decadent, fantasy. Buy me! No-buy me! No- buy me, and you'll be beautiful, perfect good obedient little bride. Neglecting to buy? You're doomed! No wonder the bride often needs a good hose-down. These things are basically mind-f#-king the bride into thinking she needs everything in the mag/book/show to make her day just as perfect.There are some bitchy chicks out there, and bitchy chicks make bitchy brides. But I don't think you're a Bridezilla because you know what you want and don't want. I don't think you're a Bridezilla because you get sucked into all this crap (had me fooled). And I don't think you're a Bridezilla because you actually think orange icing is gross looking or because you give a crap if your guests are nourished rather than gawking at your dancing prowess.
2) Weddings are a business. Planners and vendors are out to bank. And unlike most businesses, they don't expect their consumers to return to their services. So that allows them to be as nasty and bitchy and manipulative as they want to be. I want to work with people I can trust, not because the Pee Pants Guide To Weddings says their tops in the field. I watched these people, and I saw it- the look of dollar signs in their eyes. Cha-ching! I will run away from that look when I see it.
3) In this episode, supposedly showcasing the worst of the worst, the most psycho hosebeasts of brides ever to walk the face of the earth, I didn't see any objectionable behavior noted by any of the brides. But it was made to feel like if you didn't just sit and giggle and look like Bride Barbie, god forbid you actually had preferences and opinions, then you were a bridezilla. And that's just wrong.

Brides, Grooms, and those who love them: look at yourselves! Swindled, bamboozled! We shouldn't be made to feel that our engagement ring diamond rocks landed on us! We will not go quietly down the aisle! We will not rely on fluffy bows or candles or mirror or those little cocktail napkins with our names printed on them to measure our happiness! We will not succumb to these bastards. We will take back our vows, our ceremonies, our receptions, and we'll do it as we damn well please! We will rise above this regime, stand together and say "I am, I think, I DO!"
Say it with me sisters and brothers!!! Testify! Can I get a witness?!