The Office Slut Bridal Guide 2005

So, the latest issue of Cosmo is out, and, as it's the time of the year, this one has a "Bridal Section." For those of you living in a bubble, Cosmo is the mag most identified as required reading for The Office Slut. So, it's always a treat when they do a bridal section because, it tends to stray from the stereotypical weddin' porn that engulfs so many other rag mags.


Cosmo insists that "you won't find these tips anywhere else." The first article tells us "22 Fun, Sexy Wedding Trends." Now, you know me...I run like hell from anything that says "trend," but, hey, it's always good fodder for some chuckles, so I read on:

WHAT'S GOOD:
1) Dissin' Bridezilla: Cosmo claims that "the idea that 'your day' give you carte blanche to throw fits is out," emphaszing the need to deep breathe and not get strung out on the small stuff. Preach on.
2) Pigs-In-A-Blanket are the most sought-after appetizer at many weddings. They're easy to dress up, and people go ape-shit over them, according to Cos. Although our reception will most likely also include a meatless frank-veggie version, I can't agree more with this idea. Fabulous.
3) Cosmo suggests an I-Pod or an MP-3 or a homemade disk for the muzak at the reception shindig. Although we've already thought of this long before Cosmo said anything, people thought we were weirdos for not wanting a band or a "Celebration" crankin' DJ for our fiesta. The fact that Cosmo has okayed this route is great, because it cuts down on a lot of grief from the old fogies who want a cookie cutter paradise.
4) Have a four-legged attendant in the form of shared pet. Sigh, unfortunately, Fee can't do this, because dogs aren't allowed at our church, but the idea still rocks!

WHAT'S KINDA SCARY:
1) Customize the registry to include...drum roll...a Vespa. Wrong!
2) Revamp the bouquet toss to have a "breakaway bouq" that actually splits into three or so nosegays so that "no one gets left out." You might as well have said, "gather 'round, ye desperate hags...just like seventh grade field day, everyone gets a special ribbon!" Sad, really. I've always HATED the bouquet toss, because most of the time, it's staged, and the bride knows exactly who she's throwing it too. You know how the bouquet/garter toss got started??? Hmm??? Okay, a long time ago, it was a sign of good luck to go to a wedding and grab something that belonged to the bride. Guests would form a medieval mosh pit, grabbing and ripping at the bride's dress and veil. Oh, and drunken male guests would try to feel her up. Repulsed yet??? So some savvy bride devised a plan of tossin her garter and her flowers to distract the yard apes so she could split. So that's why we do it today, also to have funny-ass video of your best gal pals makin asses of themselves screeching after a bunch of buds. Yes, I am biased. No bouquet toss for me.
3) This is an actual quote: "Surprise Him With a Groom Gift He'll Be So Grateful For...give it a sexy twist by poising for a professionally done NAKED photo. You're probably in the best shape of your life, so why not memorialize it." Cosmo assures us this is "artsy, not porno."
ME, reading this:HAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!!!!
Sure.

The bride guide goes on with an expose into "an engaged man's mind," which isn't much, as well as a couple of fun stories from readers about Mothers-In-Law from Hell, and has 4 Sex Tips for Newlyweds (this is where the office slut stigma comes in.) Although it's on the fluffy side, gotta give it props for being edgy and funny and actually talking about a key thing about marriage- SEX. Much more realisitc than a lot of guides out there. So, I gotta say it's worth a look at.