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Saturday, February 26, 2005

Mickey's Wedding Porn

My dad got a DVD in the mail, since he's on the Disney Big Kahuna mailing list, outlining A Fantasy Wedding At Disney World.

I thought, oh wow, fun! Okay, so, me and my beloved don silly bride/groom hats with mouse ears (well, okay, not really, because we have dignity), and board the Twilight Zone Tower o' Terror with Pooh Bear and Chewbacca in tow, and we plunge headfirst into life together three or four times! That's so cool! Also I had images of us in other settings, like, us in silly wetsuits (complete with waterproof veil for moi and top hat for him) playing with the spritely dolphins in the coral reef at The Living Seas, and a picture of the two of us in full wedding garb posing with the tigers in our laps at Animal Kingdom. Wow, tell me more, Fantasy Wedding At Disney World DVD!


Sigh. It's not to be.

Folks, I love Disney. Diz and I go waay back. Diz is a mecca for cartoon lovin' science dorks like me. And, I'm proud to say that I've found a dude who's just as dorky. We love being dorky Star Wars geeks who dress like Motley Crue roadies. And we love Diz. Diz got great rides like Pirates of the Carribean, The Hall of Presidents, The Haunted Mansion, Star Tours, Mission Space and Buzz Lightyear, as well as creative kick-ass exhibits celebrating scientific innoventions, world peace, and conservation of natural resources. Diz kicks ass! Unfortunately, it's also got a high amount of cheerleaders, yuppies, kids, and rich people who visit. This DVD is for them. This DVD is also part of a cultural phenomina known as "wedding porn."

Wedding porn, unlike real life porn, doesn't feature sexual situations at all. No naughty brides. Instead, the lust focuses on the woman and her big/perfect/special day, her wedding. These big ol' pieces of media and mags shower pre-nuptians with sliver, gold, platinum, taffeta, meringe, and fluff and tell them they have to have it this way...OR ELSE the wedding gods will doom their union for-evah. Of course, it's all a bunch of crap. Used innocently, they're fodder for a few laughs. I leafed through them cutting out pics of ugly bridesmaid dresses that I pasted on cards for my band of 'maids, stating that I would not make them wear silly matching dresses like the enclosed. But in the wrong hands it can help spawn the most hideous creature on the planet- The Bridezilla. I don't know how many horror stories I've heard about someone's best friend/sis/cousin who, using these things as guides, has turned from the sweet caring woman she was into a taffeta obsessed shrew, mag in her firm sweaty grip and murder in her eyes, screeching about the size of her bouquet.

But that's a different discussion for a different time. So, back to the DVD. It's about 20 minutes, and features such images as brides with teased hair, usually size 6 or below, doing such things as sipping champaigne, dancing at Cinderella castle, and walking down a fluffy flower infested aisle. They all look like they belong on an episode of Dynasty (I swear, one of the fathers...dead ringer for Blake Carrington!) and they look, well, happy enough I guess. The bride and groom riding Cinderella's Golden Merry-Go-Round are composed and elegant, most likely saying things like, "Oh Trent, I'm so very happy,"-certainly not the way I'd imagined for myself, which would be under the influence of some heavy drink, waving like a hyperactive child, slurring, "HEY! LOOK AT ME! I'M HERE AND I'M MARRIED AND RIDING CINDERELLA'S FRIGGIN MERRY GO ROUND!" until I regurgitated on the poor kid riding on the plaster steed next to me.

For those of us less infatuated with Cindy and her glass shoes, there are other "alternatives," such as the Grand Floridian (white, fluffy, and again, more people who are very very pretty), or the Beach and Yacht Club Resort (trust me, you need no imagery- the name speaks for itself, although they have a great restaurant called Beaches N Cream, which is home to the infamously generous sundae, The Kitchen Sink, named so because it has every ingredient in the soda fountain in it, but I digress), the Living Seas (just for looks though, everyone stays dry in the DVD), and for those who really wanted something "off the beaten path (euphimism for "white trash party"), you could, the video says with great glee, have a Hoe Down at the Fort Wilderness Pioneer Hall (images of people in dungarees and gingham grabbing at hot dogs and hamburgers in a buffet line). Although they look the most comfortably dressed, and weiners and burgers sounds like a great reception to me, my groom and I really aren't ho-downers. The video says Disney characters will come to your shindig, however, I only saw Mickey Mouse in a tux dancing with a flower girl. No signs of Pooh or Chewie anywhere, but hey, the Mickster is always welcome. Unfortunately, there are shots of gold, silver, platinum and taffeta fluff a plenty. Basically all the brides wear white fluffy gowns, and pose with a very beautiful looking groom in classic poses such as "groom kissing bride's hand," and, although they assure you rather emphatically that the wedding staff can customize your special/perfect/big day, the themes don't seem to stray from big and fluffy. Even the ho-down looks a little stuffy. And of course, there are classic lines throughout, where it's laughable that the narrator attempts to be serious. My favorite had to be the line: "Cosmotologists from the various Disney Resort Hotel Spas can offer tips on transforming you into the Princess you've always dreamed of being!" The next scene is the bride arriving in a replica of Cinderella's Coach. Folks, I'm so glad I ate before I saw this!

They never really mention money, except to say that group rates are available for the hotels. But I have a feeling that Diz, the same people who charge a phat $20 for a veggie burger and a diet coke inside the parks, might want some sort of comp for all this. And this is where it gets really wedding pornographic. Wedding porn prefers not to stress out brides by talking about money. Also, it's rude to question about costs. So what, you have a little debt the first year of your wedded bliss. Just ask your Fairy Godmother to fix it.

My recommendations for the Disney DVD people, that is, if they're actually interested in my opinion, is to offer creative and absolutely fun-ass themes to those less elegant, like me, and, let's face it, the other 90% of the U.S. population. Some ideas I've thought of:
1) African Ceremony surrounded by the animals at Animal Kingdom's Kilimanjaro Safaris. Drums, lions, who can go wrong?
2) Halloween Costume Reception at Haunted Mansion. I've had friends who did this. Awesome. Totally awesome.
3) Ren Faire Theme: Useful because this can be in various places in the parks- World Showcase at Epcot, Pirates of The Carribean, and, for those more traditional, Cinderella's friggin Castle.
4) Renting out Animal Kingdom's Conservation Station to give guests a reception with a good message.
5) Soundstages at MGM-Studios- can't go wrong there.
6) John's favorite theme: Stormtrooper Groomsmen posing in front of the entrance to Star Tours, complete with Ewok Villiage and Imperial Walker Replica. The pictures are a real hoot.
7) Sitting in car/tables at the Fabulous Sci-Fi Drive In Cafe, watching clips of really crappy B movies, while everyone eats good cake. Bitchin.
8) And finally, just give me one bride in these videos who looks real? Please?
Thanks Disney. See you in April!

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